no time to di

I’m going to apologize upfront about the tone of this post, because I, dear friends, am slightly peeved -– and the unlikely culprits who’ve put me in a mood are our friends from the United Kingdom.

Why, you ask?

Because they’ve included yours truly on an awful list. Well, not truly yours truly, but the name of yours truly.

You know what I mean.

Anyway, here’s the low-down: BabyCentre UK recently analyzed their data for babies born in the past sixty months and subsequently reported that Diane and Malcolm were the most unloved names of the year.

Yeah, let’s just marinate on that for a moment.

Are we supposed to just sit back and take this, especially from people who spell “Center” incorrectly?? I mean, c’mon!

So this little news nugget prompted me to put on my investigative persona and switch into full Private Di mode.

I’m not pleased with what I found.

Why, you ask again?

Well, it seems that the Americans, too, have been up to no good. The US Social Security Administration maintains its annual lists of the top 1000 baby names. Their collection goes back to 1900 (raw data extends back to 1880).

Well, whoop-de-doo. Welcome to the party.

What’s on these lists? Only every baby name ever bestowed upon a child, as long as it’s been given to at least five newborns in a given year.

And so, that’s how I validated those obnoxious British claims of Dianes (and Malcolms) being unloved. My fellow Dianes and I have, and I’m using their callous and hurtful words here, “fallen into relative obscurity.”

Ouch. And the dagger of shame digs a little deeper.

So in the name of fairness, I present to you, in no particular order (but with Diane at the top of this horrid list), the rest of the “Why on God’s green Earth would you ever give your child that stupid name?” list.

Enjoy. Unless you’re on it.

WOGGEWYEGYCTSN™ 2023 Edition

Diane.

Ethel. Seriously???

Katrina. They’ve lumped the Di’s in with a catastrophic weather event. Lovely.

Bertha. Bertha?? Really????

Isis. Does anyone even know an Isis? How is Diane even on a list with these people??

Gertrude. My eye’s beginning to twitch.

Ida. Good grief.

Caitlyn. Somebody better call Bruce.

Hortense. Is this even a real name?

Myrtle. I’m gonna need a drink.

Nanette. No, no.

Maude. This is ridiculous. I’m an old lady, and I’ve never met a Maude in my life.

There’s so much more I could write about the absurdity of the discourse, but I’ll spare you all the diatribe (see what I did there, BabyCentre UK?) and simply move on.

Oh, and Happy Mother’s Day to all you lovely women out there who care for the bodies and souls of others. You’re greatly loved and much appreciated by us all — even if you’re an Ethel.